As stated above, having a relative who is suffering serious mental disturbance places a great strain on families. The cultural attitude, which we have inherited, views mental illness as a tragedy, and stigma is still common. The normal tendency in such a situation is to focus on the “sick” member and to try somehow to bring about change in him or her. The reality is, however, that we do not have the power to change anybody else – we have only the power to change our own behavior and attitudes. When we put pressure on someone else to change, the normal reaction for that person is to resist in order to retain his or her autonomy. In such a situation, all the energy is bound up in an attempt to influence another’s behavior and in resistance to that attempt. Efforts in this mode lead to increasing entrenchment in frustration and a sense of powerlessness. Thus if the focus is all on the “sick” person changing and not on ourselves and what is happening in the relationships surrounding the individual, it is almost impossible to avoid getting trapped in destructive, repetitive patterns and power struggles.
These unresolved struggles and repetitive patterns lead in a downward spiral to the labyrinth of frustration, fear, grief and guilt where we don’t know how or where to set limits and where there is often family disagreement over how to proceed. There is a good chance that in this situation we are “running on empty” and that the whole family atmosphere is pervaded with the heaviness of tragedy and grief. The family’s energy and resources are depleted. Everybody’s health and welfare are adversely affected. In this atmosphere, it is impossible for the family to function in a way that benefits its members.
We have found that the recovery of someone experiencing serious mental disturbance is most likely to happen when everyone in this small healing community is actively engaged in taking care of their own well-being and mental health. That is, they balance their concern for and efforts to help the client with concern for other members of the family and for their own growth and well-being. No matter where we are on the spectrum, we all need the benefits of healing in one area or another. There is always room to become clearer, happier, less fearful and less controlled by past negative conditioning.
We believe that one must be happy oneself in order to help alleviate the suffering of anyone else. What heals is the ability to be with another’s suffering without judgments and without need at the moment to do anything about it – just simply to connect in empathy with the other’s pain, to appreciate and to know something of his or her ordeals. If we are unhappy ourselves, all the thoughts, feelings and beliefs associated with the unhappiness will cloud our minds and will prevent us from being fully present with another’s suffering. If there is action to be taken, the unhappiness prevents us from seeing what the most skillful action would be. It is important to point out that if we view mental disturbance as a tragedy, it will be an added burden for our family member. Even in the midst of turmoil, an emotionally disturbed person is aware of the people around him, and of their stated of mind. Love does not leave when confusion comes in, and your family member is acutely conscious of how you react to him and of how you feel about yourself. Chances are the person already feels tremendous pain and guilt for being “sick”. He is only too well aware that he has turned your household upside down and brought frustration to everyone who lives there. In addition to the other burdens of his condition, will be the belief that he is the cause of your unhappiness. Can you imagine how it must feel when those who know and love you most intimately view you as a tragedy?
Thus your happiness is of concern to us both for your sake and for the client’s sake. The happier and freer you are, the more you will give impetus to your family member’s recovery, because the more you will be able to be truly present for him or her. The greatest gift we can give to those who love us is our own happiness. Confidence and lightheartedness are contagious, and are always healing to those in trouble. It is important to remind ourselves that just as we can choose our attitude, we can choose an orientation towards happiness. In fact, the two go together. Finding the time and space to take care of yourselves in whatever ways possible is another of the key interconnected principles guiding out of the labyrinth of suffering.
